


Shit Arthur Says

by gyzym



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-26
Updated: 2010-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-13 09:50:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/135940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gyzym/pseuds/gyzym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for this prompt: <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/inception_kink/11005.html?thread=23057149#t23966461">Eames has a secret twitter called, "Shit Arthur Says." Well, secret to Arthur, that is.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Shit Arthur Says

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Shit Arthur Says](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11886135) by [Minnoroshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minnoroshi/pseuds/Minnoroshi)



**shitarthursays** : @cornonthecobb @penrosetweets @yusaidit @seemedneater Sorry to disappoint, lovelies, but I'm done. Account has served its purpose. Ta!  
 _19 minutes ago via Tweetie_

\--

 **Yesterday, via actual verbal communication**

"I found the Twitter account, Eames," Arthur says. "Any last words before I murder you?"

Eames considers this. "You could try making your threat a little more specific," he says at length. "I find I always get the most re-tweets that way."

Arthur makes a face that is clearly supposed to be a furious grimace, but it falls rather short. "What the hell do I have to do to make you _stop_?"

Eames raises his eyebrows. "I think you know the answer to that, pet."

Arthur swallows.

\--

 **Profile for user @shitarthursays** : _I'm a forger. I work with an over-dressed bastard named Arthur. He refuses to admit his attraction to me, more's the pity. I just write down shit that he says._

\--

 **shitarthursays** : "If you don't remove that shirt immediately the clashing colors are actually going to make me sick. Oh my god, Eames, don't make that face, I didn't mean it like that."  
 _One month ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** : "SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE DISEMBOWELED WITH A RUSTY SPOON FOR THIS"  
 _29 days ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** : "Asshole. Stop looking at me like that before I gouge your eyes out--don't tweet that, Eames!"  
 _Yesterday via Tweetie_

\--

 **Four months ago, via Ariadne**

Her laughter wakes Eames up.

"What," he says irritably, stretching out from his abandoned lawn-chair nap, "is so bloody funny?"

Ariadne giggles. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"There's this--" she waves a hand and favors Eames with a considering look. "Are you on Twitter?"

"Of course," Eames lies. The truth is he can't imagine why anyone would want to broadcast their every thought 24/7, and furthermore finds the whole concept asinine and inscrutable, but Ariadne doesn't need to know that.

She gives him a look that suggests that she does, in fact, know that. "You've never mentioned it before."

"Maybe I don't want you reading my twits," Eames says.

"Tweets," Ariadne corrects, rolling her eyes.

"That too," Eames agrees amiably enough. "That's what's making you laugh, then? Twitter?"

"Oh, there's this--it's called [Shit My Dad Says](http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays)," she tells him, pushing a couple of buttons on her phone and handing it over. "It's this guy who lives with his crazy father, and he just posts all the ridiculous stuff he says. Some of it is pretty hilarious."

Eames scrolls through the page. Some of the posts are fairly idiotic, but others ( _"Can we talk later? The news is on… Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."_ ) remind him of someone. Just as he's examining that thought, Arthur bursts into the room, bristling like a wet cat.

"Someone better have made coffee," he growls, "because it's a thin line keeping me from murdering every Starbucks barista in the state."

Eames smiles beatifically. "Ariadne," he says, "I have the most fabulous idea."

\--

 **shitarthursays** : "Eames, I swear to god, the word is bespoke, not besmoked. What the hell would 'besmoked suit' even mean?"  
 _Four months ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** : "If one more projection calls me a twink I will not be responsible for my fucking actions. JESUS."  
 _Four months ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** : "What? 'I will remove your left foot and beat you with it if I have to' seemed more creative then 'Careful, I'll shoot.'"  
 _Four months ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** "Shouldn't have taken that tequila shot. D'you know your face is like--crooked?"  
 _Two months ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "Don't pout, Eames, I didn't--Jesus, I'm drunk--I didn't mean it to be all, you know, nasty. It's nice, kind of."  
 _Two months ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "Not like that tie. The tie should go. Your face can stay, I guess."  
 _Two months ago via Tweetie_

\--

 **Two hours ago, via telephone**

"Eames. Eames, I'm reading the backlog. Did I really say all this stuff to you?"

"Are you _drunk_?"

"No. I mean, a little. I mean--this is. Damning, Eames."

"Sorry, darling. Perhaps you should try threatening people less, if that's really a concern."

"Not that part. The…the other ones."

"Ah. Yes, well."

"…Do you think you could maybe. I mean. I'm in, uh, room 321 and I just--"

"Don't go anywhere, love, I'll be there in five."

\--

 **shitarthursays** : "Cobb, I'm not signing on for the next job unless Eames does--because we can't do it without him! No, not because…oh, forget it."  
 _Two months ago via web_

 **shitarthursays** : "jesus your nerver allowed to get shot again have some more vdka put your phone down so Ican suture this damn it"  
 _One month ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "Of course I'm not here. This is a hospital room. What would I be doing in your hospital room? You're dreaming."  
 _28 days ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "I suppose I'll admit that I'm glad you didn't die, Eames."  
 _27 days ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "I don't even think you're awake, but fucking hell, I think that I might--oh fuck are you typing right now??"  
 _23 days ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "I just thought I'd drop by and say hello. Since you're out of the hospital and all. I don't mean anything by it."  
 _Three days ago via Tweetie_

 **shitarthursays** : "Yes, Eames, if you announce that you're quitting the Twitter thing I will kiss you. Type faster."  
 _20 minutes ago via Tweetie_


End file.
